Self-compassion is the key to surviving divorce

A recent study in America has looked into what characteristics allow some people to cope with the emotional strain of a divorce better than others.

The study, by researchers at the University of Arizona, found that self-compassion was the one personality trait that led to better adjustment shortly after divorce and up to nine months later. The study defines self-compassion as “a combination of kindness toward oneself, recognition of common humanity, and the ability to let painful emotions pass.”

The research, which is to be published in Psychological Science, involved 105 people, 38 men and 67 women, whose mean age was about 40; they’d been married over 13 years and divorced an average of three to four months. On the first visit, participants were asked to think about their former partner for 30 seconds, then talk for four minutes about their feelings and thoughts related to the separation.

Four trained coders listened to the audio files and rated the participants’ levels of self-compassion, using a standard measure of the construct. The participants also were assessed for other psychological traits, such as depression and their “relationship style.” At the initial visit, three months later, and then after either six or nine months participants reported on their adjustment to the divorce, including the frequency with which they experienced intrusive thoughts and emotions about the separation and their ex-partner.

As expected, the people with high levels of self-compassion at the start both recovered faster and were doing better after a period of months.

The researchers hope that the findings have implications for helping people learn to weather breakups in better health and better spirits.